hey.jude

Airports

I've had another dream about an airport. My life keeps changing.

FIG. 3.—SECTION OF HOUSE FOR CACTUSES

I should have started writing a long time ago. But I didn't. I started today.

Will I ever get it?

1/2 of me thinks YES!
1/2 of me thinks NO!
½ of me will be right. The other half of me is always wrong.

She said, "What I wish for you is better judgment!"

And I was shocked at her honesty. And I knew she was right. And I listened to her so hard it became a wish. I wished it for me. I wished it for everyone else I had ever been in contact with. Better judgment. It sounds beautiful. I hoped it that it could be bestowed upon kind humans who open doors and old dogs who slowly sneak up onto the furniture and even the mean souls who scream at me while I'm driving: GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE BITCH! I suppose they have a point. . . .

When I was a little girl, I prayed for all the people I had never met and I would never, ever meet so God wouldn't think I was selfish and just thinking of myself. I would drift off to sleep forcing myself to picture people I had never seen before.

When I woke up 26 years later, I promised I would blog about his dream. His dream was about me and that's why I was hearing it. I was playing musical chairs. By myself, with a group? I believe he told me I was winning at this childish game because I had tricks up my sleeve. I knew what to do when the music stopped. How to elbow a little girl out of her seat.

Would you believe him?

IF I HAD TO LIVE MY LIFE AGAIN, I WOULD BE A P O E T

If I had to live my life again, I would be a poet.

This morning I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandparents who have passed. I remember them folding sheets together. The laundry was hot from the dryer. Their home was hot too. The furnace was blasting. This image of them folding bedclothes into halves unto other halves upon halves is love to me.

This is romance and marriage.

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Although this is unrelated, I’m thinking again about my dream that I had a few nights before leaving for Mexico.

After dreaming this dream, my whole life seemed to shift. Everything changed for me.

The dream was about Brendan Wollard.

In the dream, Brendan brought me into a store. It was a place you would call a “shop”. It felt "foreign". It felt unknown to me: I was in a different land. A different country.

In this dream, like so many of our dreams, we didn't know where we were.

And Brendan stressed it was important that he bring me to this shop.

There was a lady behind the counter and he told me that she was very good at her work. The lady gave off a vibe that, indeed, she was a Master. She was working behind a tall table (it looked as though she was behind a sushi bar really) and she had all these letters around her in different fonts and sizes at her workstation. The items were basically stamps. Or Chinese chops. Or old fashion newspaper printing press stamp things.

She eventually revealed to us a giant lily pad.

It was green and had a leafy waxy fatness yet it was saturated with ink.

And she started to stamp the stamps on the lily pad. And Brendan told me that this was the best lily pad ever. And he looked at me. He was trying to tell me how important it was that I witnessed all this.

Then he whispered on my neck, "I love you." It made me feel so good. So warm, understood and loved.

And he paused, "But not in that kinda way. Not sex love. But love, love."

And I knew that and his comment made me feel a little defensive but I was glad he clarified that for me.

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Things have changed.

I told Brendan about my dream when I returned from Mexico and I teased him a little. I flirted a little, in the way you can with the men you work with and still love your husband and your boyfriend. I emailed him the story. He replied from his Blackberry:

“Well,” he replied. “I don't know what to say about that dream. Except that I do love water lilies.

If you cut one and put it in a cognac glass with water, you can watch it open and close for days….”

I wanted so much to share this with you because you’ve been telling me a lot about your dreams lately.